Comedy Central Presents: Nick Swardson
Transcribed by paing on 11/20/03, 11/24/03, 3/25/04, 9/24/04, 9/28/04, 11/30/05
http://paing.com/index.php?section=reviews&page=comedians&file=nick_swardson
**If you're a fan of Nick Swardson, check out his MySpace page.
Alright! Woo! Yeah! Hello, United States! Alright, how you guys doin,
huh? [Cheers] Ohhh, hooray!
Um, my name is Nick. I uhh, I stand up and do comedy at the same time.
Um. And it's weird though, I am a comic but I'm not a good story-teller,
like in my normal life. Ya know, like, I always tell those had-to-be-there
stories all the time. I don't know it's a bad story until I'm like half way
telling it. You're like, when you're telling a bad story, you're like "yeah,
and then...!" but in your head you're like "this story's bad." Like you just
keep telling it, like. I do that all the time. So then what I try to do to
try to save the story, is I like embellish it at the end, to like make it a
good story, but like I do it too much so it's not believable. You know, I'd
be like "yeahhahha, you should've been there Saturday. Yeah, me and Steve
were at the bar, we were so hammered, this guy came up, and he was really
like 'heyyyy, do you know where the bathrooms are??' and Steve was like
'Nooo....' Heheheh. And so... So this guy made this face at Steve, this
really... weird face... so... so Steve fuckin stabbed him." .... And your
friends are like "What? Steve stabbed somebody?" Like now you have to go
with it, you're like "Yeah. Yeah." - "I've known that guy my whole life!"
- "He's messed up, man. Serious." Don't wanna drink with that guy, man.
But uh... Hope I don't get stabbed. I was thinking about that. That, I-- I
don't want any part of that. You know, I don't care if I go through life
and I don't help a lot of people or save a million lives... I just-- I just
don't wanna get stabbed. You know, that's-- if I can get through life
without getting stabbed, I win, that's how I feel, ya know? It just seems
so horrible. It's not like getting shot. Like when you get shot, you don't
see the bullet going in, ya know? You're just like "All right"- Bang! "Oh!
Woah! I just got shot!" Ya know, like when you get stabbed, it's like you're
there the whole time. Ya know, you're just-- you're just hangin out, you're
like "Hey, what's up? All right, woah, WOAH! AHH! AHH! OH MY GOD! I JUST
GOT STABBED! SOMEBODY JUST STABBED ME! It's comin back! AHH! AHHH!" It's
like "AHH!" No thank you to that. I wanna avoid that whole process. Don't
even hand me anything like that. Like "Here's your drink." - "No. Keep that
away."
Um, I'm not-- I'm not like really worried about dying, though. I'm not...
I'm not afraid to die. Not tryin to be tough: "I'm not afraid to die." But
I'm actually like looking forward to my funeral, which sounds kinda weird.
Cuz like, I just like to have fun, ya know? And I'm gonna have fun with my
funeral. Cuz I think you should, like it's your last party on earth, ya
know? It's like-- I think you should like spice it up. Ya know, like a got
a couple things I'm gonna do. First thing I'm gonna do for my funeral is
I'm gonna have like a chunk of money, and send it off to some random
celebrity, and have em show up at my funeral. Like save up like five grand
just for this, ya know. Be like "Here's five grand," mail it off to some
celebrity, like-- like John Stamos from Full House. Just totally random.
Uncle Jessie. Remeber Uncle Jessie on Full House? He's like "Hey!" like the
cool guy? Just be like "Here's five grand. All you have to do--keep the
money--just fly to my funeral, show up, cry, and leave. That's it, that's
all you have to do. Just show up, cry, that's it. You don't have to talk
to anybody or anything." I just think it'd be great to see all my friends
and family at my funeral like "Oh my God, I can't believe he's dead, man!
He's dead! It's just not right, man! It's just not right.. .... .... Hey,
is that John Stamos? Wha-- what is he doing here? ... Did Nick know John
Stamos? Oh my God, he's really crying!... Were they brothers? Was Nick's
last name Stamos?
And the other thing at my funeral is I'm gonna have a closed casket, like
in the church. It's gonna be closed so people will think that my body
will be in there, heh... but it won't be! My body will come down on wires!
It'll just come down, just hang down. And then I'll hit the lights out
and hit it with the strobe light and then techno music. ....Just swinging
out over my family. Just seeing my mom like "what the hell is that?! What
kind of stuff was Nick involved in? Oh my God."
So, I don't do any drugs. ... I don't, there's no reason to laugh at
that. I don't know why-- But I used to smoke pot, I'm not gonna lie. I'm
not gonna try to defend this shirt. I've smoked pot before, I've smoked
pot before. And I used to smoke pot all the time and then I quit. I
don't know if anybody's ever done that, but that's like amazing. Like I
totally smoked for a while and then I totally stopped, and my friends
were all like-- they couldn't believe it. They were like "what? ...You--
you quit? .... You're done? ... what are you-- really? .. That sucks!
What are you doing? That sucks!" I'm like, "yeah, it really sucks
remembering where I put stuff now." The whole first week I thought I was
psychic. Like I thought I had new powers all of a sudden, ya know? It was
like amazing. I'd be like "where are my keys?! Oh they're in my pocket.
...How did I know that?! Oh my gosh!"
So this is better than my first job. My first job I worked at Planet
Hollywood.... back in my homestate of Minnesota. Yehoo! Planet Hollyw--
I don't know if you know Planet Hollywood--it's like a theme restraunt,
they have like props from the movies, like on the wall. But like I worked
at the one in Minnesota, so we like got all the like lame stupid props.
We like pretend they were cool, it was our job, it was so pathetic. Ya
know, we're like "Yeah, that's it! That's it, that's the car they drove
in uh... Critters.... yeah, that's it, man, that is it! .. And that's
what they wore in Cacoon!.. And uh, there's Corey Phelbin right there.
He's kinda chillin right now. Ya know, I like this job, this job's cool.
But I think the best job, like in the history of the United States... I
think Vanna White got the best job... ever! Is that not the best job?
If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like that's her...
that's her job, like what a country. That's all she-- she just turns
letters. "I turn letters... but only when they glow, okay? I'm not...."
But like what was the interview like to get that job? What was that
process? It must've been really tough. They're like "Alright! Let's
start! Let's start the interview here, uhh, Vanna White, is that right?
Okay. Alright, let's start. ...Alright, are you familiar with the
alphabet? ...You are, okay. ...If something were glowing, could you
tell? You could, well that wraps it up. Wow, welcome aboard, that's
very impressive. That's very... impressive.
But some people-- some people just do weird things with their lives.
I was watching Discovery Channel, they had a special on uh... Jane
Goodall? She's a woman who studied apes in the mountains. For six
years she left, went studied apes, and then just came home. Went
for six years, and just came home. And it's like, what a weird thing
to do with your life. She just went and studied them, like how they
act and how they eat and how they function, it's like... and just
left. Went for six years, left. Like an ape couldn't do that to us,
ya know. Like, I was thinking about it, like... an ape could walk
into your house and just study you for like six years, like in the
corner, like everything you do, like writing it down, ya know, like
how you walk, how you act. Ya know, everyday you're like, "Is the
ape still here?" "I think so!" The ape's in the corner like....
mocking you... watching how you talk and everything. Approaching
every once in a while like.... "Hey!.... What's up?!..." And just
like back into the corner, like "what the hell was that?" But like
living with apes for six years, she lived with apes, like that's
insane! I mean like, I wonder if it rubbed off on her at all. It
had to have, right? She had to have picked up ape traits, right?
For six years. You think she ever let it slip out on accident? She's
like out getting a parking ticket. She's like, "Seriously, I--I'll
move it right now, you don't have to write it. I'll move it, I'm
sorry, I literally ran in for two seconds, I'll move the car. Okay--
you don't have to write the ticket, I'll move it now. You're not
listening to me, I'll move it--I'll move it. Why are you still
writing, I'll move it right now! You're not--you're not listen--
*explodes* AHH! .... I'm sorry, I lived with apes. Sorry."
I spent the day with my cousin today. He's six. Six years old, he's
into Pokemon? Oh my gosh. I'm not sure if anybody has kids into
Pokemon. Ya know like, it's like crack to kids, ya know like,
they're so like, "Aw my God! Ah!" Like whenever kids get a new toy
they're all like like "Aw my aw! Hah-aww! I gotta find it! Where's
my toy?!" And he like has to tell me, but he like brings me into
his Pokemon world, ya know, like kids will corner you, and just
like talk your ear off. He's always explaining to me all the
characters. He'll corner me and be like, "Uncle Nick! Here's this
one character and he does this and he looks like this this other
one and he looks like this and his name is this, and he has this,
this other one does this and he looks like this, and his name is
this and this other one---[slurs]---and he does this and looks
like this...." And I'm just like, "....yeah? Yeah." So what I
do when he's done, is I--I bring him into the bathroom and I
like show him like all the lotions and the vitamins and the
soaps, like the hair products, and I explain each one and what
they do, and I go, "You see how that feels? ..It's kinda what
that's like he--when you do that, I'm just sayin... Ya know,
I love ya, I'm just sayin, it's just a little--it's a little
tedious."
But uhh, my other cousin's twelve. He just got a video game
system, which is really... like incredible. I don't know if
you've seen video games lately, but they're insane! Like they're
so much different from like the games that I grew up playing,
ya know? Like he's got this--this video game system and they're
all really real, like the games now, they're really realistic
and they're all like fighting games and they're all like 3-D,
and you know there's like blood, and you're like "woah...
alright, okay." And like I'm watching him, I'm like "how much
more real can it get?" Ya know, like what is the future of
video games? You're gonna go to your friend's house, like,
"Hey, what's up, man, you wanna play video games?" [noises]
"[out of breath] Good game, man, good game. Here's a quarter,
thanks man, you're really good. You're gettin' really good
at that, thanks. [whistles]" But it's like the kids now,
like they're gonna grow up without like PacMan, ya know? Like
I just thought about that, I'm like, "That's weird." Like they
won't have it at all, ya know? Like all those old-- look at
those large games. They won't have-- they won't even know what
it is, like it's-- and the worst part about it is we'll be
explaining it and looking like freaks. We'll be explaining our
video games, they'll be playing some futuristic fighting game.
We'll be like "Well when I was your age, we had a game with a
yellow circle... And it ate dots and fruit... And then it would
be chased by ghosts! Oh my! Oh!" "That's great, Grandpa." "And
there was another game with a monkey, and he threw barrels at
you that you had to jump over or they'd hurt you." "I gotta go
grandpa!" "Wait, I didn't tell you about the frog who tries to
cross the street. That game!... You go... You have no idea."
My grandma, she turned 90, my grandma. 90. That is so old. That's
like the oldest thing I've ever heard. She told me, like... I'm
like, "Grandma, how old are you?" "90." I liked tried to make her
feel better, I'm like "Aww,... you look like you're 80. You don't
even look 90, I'm serious. Easily 80, easily." And she's-- she's
awesome though, my grandma, she's 80. She's-- physically, she's
really weak, ya know? So it's like cool hanging out with her cuz
so am I. Like you know when I hang out were her I feel strong.
That's great! Hang out with old people, ya know? She'll be like
"Nicholas!... Nicholas... Can you help me with this gallon of milk?
Right here, this gallon of milk." "What, do you mean *this gallon
right here*?!" "*gasps* Nicholas!! You're the strongest boy in
the world! Oh my Lord!" "Grandma, you look tired, *why don't you
sit down on this stool*?!" "*gasps* Nicholas!! You should fight
crime! What are you doing here?"
Cool having old people like that in your life, ya know, because
they make you feel better about your life, like they make you
appreciate it more, ya know. Cuz like her problems are like
5,000 times worse than my problems, ya know? Like I always get
cocky and sound like an idiot, ya know, she'll like call me up,
she'll be like "Nicholas. It's your grandmother." (Like I have 90-
year-old friends, ya know. Wha-? Hey! It's 90-year-old Johnny!)
She's like "How was your day today?" And I'm like "Aw my day,
grandma? My day was horrible, I had the worse day. I wake up, I
go to the video store, this guy almost hits me, this guy almost
hits me, I get there, they movie I want is gone, they don't even
have it. And then it's like the Yankees lost, and it's like it's
gonna rain, and it was like the worst day... How was your day?"
"Well, I... I woke up again. And my heart hurts when I breathe.
And another one of my friends died." It's like, what do I say to
that, ya know? I'm like "Yeah, totally! I mean the Yankees were
ahead and then they lost!" It's like, no, you got nothing on that,
you can't try to compete with Grandma's problems. Grandma wins,
man.
But like, I-- I can't wait to be 90. I'm lookin forward to-- it's
all what you do with things. That's what life is, if I can tie in
a running theme. It's all havin fun. Like when I'm 90, ya know,
I'm gonna shoplift 24 hours a day, ya know? Like that's all I'm
gonna do is just steal shit, ya know? That's it! That's all I'm
gonna do, just steal. No one's gonna bust you. No one's gonna be
like "Hey! Hey! Woah! Hey, did you just take that?" "...I'm old."
"You're right, I'm sorry. Yeah that purson's old, they wouldn't've
taken it." Like you're money when you're old, ya know?
And I'm gonna drive fast, forget that. Who cares, I'm gonna floor
it. Why don't old people drive--like they always drive so-- it
doesn't make any sense if you think about it, ya know. Like whenever
I get stuck behind em I'm always like "Come on, let's go.... You're
dying. Time is running out, you've gotta move! You could go at any
second, Grandma, come on, step on it! You've gotta run those red
lights!" When I'm 90, I'm gonna be going 90, ya know what I'm sayin?
I'm gonna be flooring it. Forget that, you get pulled over, who
cares? The cops like "What do you think you're doin?" "I am dying.
Can't you see that? Look at me. Look at me! Now let me go, I've
got more stuff to steal. Dag-burnit. Ya know, it's like you've got
all that money saved up, you might as well just buy a sweet car, ya
know, like a Corvette or somethin. And just floor it everywhere,
just runnin red lights, just errr. And when you die it's like "cool"
ya know? Your friends are like "Hey I heard your grandma passed away,
what happened?" "Psssh.. She flipped her 'Vette, man."
One thing though I noticed hangin out with my grandma is like there's
gonna be no dignity left in people, like by the time my generation
gets old. Ya know, like it's weird. Like old people now are so
sweet and nice. Ya know, like I can't swear around my grandma. Ya
know, even if I'm like "Ah that sucks!" My mom's like "Shhhh!! Don't
say that. Not around Grandma. That's not what we say around Grandma.
Those are not words we use around Grandma. That's not what we say,
you know that." You know, but it's like I swear all the time. Ya
know, like that's how I'm gonna be when I'm old. You know, my grandson's
gonna be like "Hey grandpa! We're gonna go to the zoo, you wanna go to
the zoo?!" "Oh, what the zoo? Aw fuck that. I'm not fuckin goin to
the zoo. What are you, gay? The zoo...." "Mom! Grandpa said I was
gay!" "Don't tell on me bitch!"
*****[whatever should be here is missing from my audio copy]******
Has anyone seen my Dre CD? That's like another weird thing, like old
people are gonna listen to rap... in the future. Like how weird is
that? Like they are! Ya know, like you listen to the music that you
had when you were growing up, it's like... You know, like my grandma
now, she's always like "I'm gonna play some music for everyone. Let's
hear some music. Alright, here we go... [old sound music]" But I'm
gonna be like "Alright! Let's hear some music. Here we go, everybody,
how does this sound? *heavy rap* Bitch ho! *more drums* Ah I love
that song! Your grandmother was a ho.
Alright! Thanks a lot, you guys, you guys are awesome!
