Comedy Central Presents: Jeremy Hotz
Transcribed by paing on 12/27/02 and 8/2/06.
http://paing.com/index.php?section=reviews&page=comedians&file=jeremy_hotz
**If you're a fan of Jeremy Hotz, check out his MySpace page.
Thanks a lot....
Good to be here at the club and everything. Quit starin at my nose.
I was born with elbows stuck to my face. Christ, I'm an ugly man. Oh
I've noticed it, I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and
think... "fuck."
Get a ruler and measure this son-of-a-bitch right here. Got a high
forehead all of a sudden. Maybe I've been walking around like this so
people don't notice. No, I'm not going bald; I'm just real optimistic
about everything.
Gettin' old, I can't stop it. What a miserable life this turned out to
be. Losin' the hair off my head, gettin some new hair right above my
ass in the back. What the hell kinda trade-off is that? When am I ever
gonna use the hair right here? Unless I become a television repair man.
You've seen those guys, what the hell is their problem? Crack is
sticking out of your pants, man! Can you not "feel" that? Come here,
*blows*.
My eye is killin' me, ahh. You got the glasses, I got the contact
lenses. What a miserable product that is. Put the glass *in* your eye,
it won't hurt. Asshole optometrist! Pawned these off on me. He wears
glasses, that prick! How many people wear contacts? Clap if you do.
Yeah, they stink don't they? You ever talkin' to someone and one of
em starts movin' around in your eye? What a horrible moment that is!
Great, I've got a lazy eye! I'm a freak: I can see nine people at the
same time. You ever put one in inside-out? You can see right inside
your head!
I got the colored lenses. I got the.... brown ones. Not a big seller,
the brown contact lenses. My eyes are naturally brown, but they're not
the brown I was looking for. "Do you have a more shit-brown color for
me? Really brings out my true personality." I have a stigmatism in my
eye, you have the same problem? Yeah, it's when your eye grows screwy.
My optometrist says it comes from years of doing stand-up comedy staring
into the lights. Said he could fix it with laser surgery. Said "what
are you gonna do?" He said "I'm gonna shine this light in your eye!!"
Oh I don't feel well at all. I got a cold in my giant nose. I woke up
and went to breathe in, and all I got was [short noise]. Good thing I
woke up, I could've suffocated. Took that stuff you stick in your nose
to clean it out, that Drift and Nasal Mist? What a miserable product
that is. Who designed that, you squeeze, it goes half-way up and hits
the stuff in your nose and runs down your chin like that! Useless idea.
Then I'm in front of the mirror and trying to push it back up with my
fingers... Then I do this [loogie]. Then it hurts back here for some
reason. So I gotta put my contacts in inside-out to see what the hell's
goin' on in my head!
I used to live here in New York but now I live in Los Angeles, I had
to move. L.A., what a miserable place that is. Nothing ever changes.
"Oh the fall in L.A., what a beautiful time of year. So different
than the other seasons! Look at that tree, I think it's changing
color!" "No, it's just dead."
I live in a place called Tarzana. Heh. That's what they called it,
Tarzana. They stick an 'A' on the end, they think no one's gonna
figure it out. It's Tarzan, I live in a treehouse! My nextdoor
neighbor's the Keebler elf. Oh I hate that little prick. He keeps
me up late at night makin cookies in his tree! That's no way to run
a business. There's zoning laws you fuckin shrimp.
Tarzana, full of the biggest snails I've ever seen in my life. You
don't get the snails in the east here. Snails the size of my hand
just crawlin along the sidewalk. Nowhere near water, how the hell
did they get there? I hate snails, I don't trust em... Pullin their
house on their back. Walkin around, "Nothin can harm me, I've got
my house on my back!" Crunch, "where'd that foot come from?...
Bastard broke my house! I don't have insurance!"
I live in miserable L.A. now. I bought a car when I moved to Los
Angeles cuz I've never seen a bus. Oh they have the stops but the
bus never comes by. You'd think L.A. was filled with homeless, but
it's just people waiting for the bus! I bought a Chevette, that was
my choice. Oh you've heard of it. What a miserable car that is.
'89 Chevette. It came with a trailor hitch. What the hell could I
possibly tow? Another Chevette in case the first one breaks down?
That salesman saw me comin from a mile away. "This car'll stop on
a dime, boy.... If it doesn't get over one, ya ass!" And I had to
get the diesel. You know how embarassing it is filling it up at a
diesel pump? Just me and every trucker in L.A.! "Nice rig, big
nose!" I hate drivin that car, huh? If the freeways in the States
aren't safe, they're bad here, too! I hate drivin on the freeway
in that far lane next to that white cement thing that runs down the
center. Oh that's not intimidating to drive next to at all! Big
white cement thing with all the black bumper marks from the people
who smashed into it. If I lose that car I'll miss it. So many
adventures, ya know?
I got pulled over for speeding once in my Chevette. Should've
seen the look on the cop's face. I didn't even think he wanted to
give me a ticket. He wanted to find out how the hell I did it.
Sticks his head right in my window, I should've taken off on him.
Then I would've ended up on the news in one of those high-speed
chases. Me and my fuckin Chevette. Peopled glued to the TV as I
go nine miles an hour. The wind picks up, I stick my nose out the
window and use it as a sail.
Before I lived here I lived in Canada. Any Canadians here at all?
Just one right up there with green hair! I love Canada, you, man?
"No." No? You're right, it's a miserable country! Not a very
tough country, huh? They got an army, they just didn't give em...
guns or anything! Look at the Canadian flag, it's not a symbol of
power... It's a leaf! Oh don't screw with Canada. They'll ...
dry up and blow away! Canada should just attack another country.
Man, no one would see that coming. Greatest coo in military
history. Lay low for 275 years... Then attack... Turkey! Just
show up, "Guess what, we're takin it... And we're calling it
Chicken you assholes!"
Oh I'm tired. I don't know. Maybe I'll have to go to the doctor
now I guess. My guts are killin me, I hate the doctor. In
Canada, it's free, the doctor, huh? Here ya gotta pay for it! I
hate the doctor's guts. Comes out in his white smock with his
pencils of knowledge in his pocket. Gives me useless advise
everytime. "Say, Doc, my leg hurts." "Really, keep off it!"
"MmmHmmHmm... Thanks for the hot tip, Quincy. If you wouldn't've
told me I'da jumped up and down on it for an hour! How much do I
owe you, fountain of all knowledge?"
The only thing worse than him is the dentist, what a miserable
trip that is. You gotta go twice a year, ya know why? Cuz he
tells ya to. It's not in the book anywhere, that bastard's makin
it up as he goes along. The end of your visit he always's like,
"Well we'll see ya in six months" and you go, "awright!" And the
woman who cleans your teeth, what the hell is her problem? You
could be brushing and flossing everyday, it's never good enough
for her!" She leaps on your ass immediately. "Your teeth are
filthy!" "Sorry, I didn't mean to wreck your whole day like
that." "See the way your gums are bleeding?" "Oh yeah, I can
see it! Maybe if you'd stop stickin those sharp metal things
into em... I don't do this at home, lady, I think the problem is
you." Some corn stuck between my teeth, I better get it out with
a steak knife, geez.
And you go see the dentist, what a weird, twisted freek he is.
I don't trust him at all. Sits you down in that chair, he shines
that light in your eye, which is bad for my stigmatism. Takes
pictures of your teeth and then he shows them to ya, like you're
interested at all. Oh those are great shots you got there,
dentist. How'd you get my teeth to pose together like that?
Ever try and get those pictures from him, he won't give em to ya.
He's all weird about it, too, isn't he? "No, those are mine!"
"Alright, you keep em, ya freek! Bring em home, look at em late
at night and touch yourself, see if I care."
I'm old, that's the problem. You're so young, huh? You still
in your 20s, right? Lucky girl. Once you hit 30 your life
changes. All the 30 year olds know what I'm talkin about. You
hit 30, you don't run for the bus anymore. You get about half
way and go, "Oh there's other busses... I'm 30, this is
garbage! I'm takin a cab to the bus." So lucky, the younger
generation, huh, we got burned if you're over 30. You had way
better games when you were a kid than we had, we had garbage!
Oh yeah. You had Sega, we didn't have that, we had Pong. See
this guy knows, he knows. Yeah, what a miserable game that was.
Two sticks and a little ball, doot doot doot! Close your eyes
and it still plays in your head. That's why I have a stigmatism!
All those old boardgames, we played em, there was nothin else to
do, we didn't have options. Monopoly, we all played that game.
What's your favorite property in Monopoly, what do ya like to
own? Boardwalk, everyone says that. I like Baltic and
Mediterranean the best. So I sit back with all the cheap
properties. "Slumlord! Where's my four bucks, pal? Caugh it
up, Grandma. Bitch'll turn off the heat!" Ha! Battleship,
remember that game? I love Battleship, easiest game in the
world to cheat at, wasn't it? We all did it, shut up. "E4!"
"Miss!.."
I try to keep in shape, you go to the gym, man? You do? Yeah,
me too, what a miserable place the gym is, huh? I don't know
how some of those machines work. The one where you sit in a
chair and you pull your arms in front of your face, that hurts
my ear. Maybe I'm doin it wrong, I dunno. But I'm not gonna
ask those trainers walkin around with their arms out to here.
How do they wipe their ass? Probably with little guys like me.
So I go to the gym, it's awful. You know the gym. Women have
no clue, if you're a guy it's horrible. You gotta stay out of
the men's locker room, don't ya? What a horrible, disgusting
place that is! Just filled with naked 85 year old men. Just
walkin around totally nude, nowhere near the shower, just nude
and loitering. When I'm nude I move fast, I'm lookin for my
clothes! These 85 year olds are all proud! Never sit on the
bench in the men's locker room either, you know that, cuz
these nude guys, they come over and talk to ya! I had one guy
come over, put his leg right up on the bench, yeah! What's
directly in my field of vision? Just hangin there like a
Chinese lanturn! "Great he's nude and he wants to chat!" Not
about anything inparticular either. "Hot enough for ya?"
"Oh yeah, it's pretty warm. ..Maybe if you moved your figs
out of my face I could catch a breeze." But you can't say that
to em, you gotta make like you don't see it, it's a guy thing,
ya know? So my eyes are dartin all across the room. But I'm
a comic so at the same time I'm slightly curious. So I'm
peekin at it out the corner of my eye. He's goin on about the
weather and I'm just thinkin, "What an ugly package this man
has! It's not even the same color as the rest of his body!
...The left one is moving by itself!"
I'm not goin near my mailbox either, I keep gettin stuff in
the mail, stuff I didn't send away for. Free samples, cookies
all crumpled down to the bottom. Keebler elf, I'll kill him
if I see him! He lives nextdoor, he could've walked em over.
I got free shampoo in the mail, I got Prail and Apurt in these
tiny little packages. I'm cheap, I had shampoo, I used it
anyway. I'm so cheap I used half of one then I leaned it up
against the bathtub, cuz I figured I could use the second
half the next morning. No, in the night it tipped over and
dripped green crap down the side of my tub. Can't get it off,
it stained it. They're gonna charge me when I move out. I'm
gonna have to take whiteout and put it over the top.
I got a box of tampons in the mail once, too. Yeah, imagine
my surprise. They weren't tampons, they were pads, something
called, uh, "Always."... Like they're gonna call them "Some
of the Time." Always dry weave with wings and... optional
sunroof, geez. They're big pads, have you seen them? They
look like Dr. Sholl's innersoles. I'm usin em for coffee
filters right now! Oh yeah, you're laughin, the garbage man
must think I have a terrible disease! If you've got these
in the mail, ladies, don't wear em. I put one on, I didn't
feel "confident," I felt paranoid. "Uh oh, I got one of
these on! Hope I don't fall in a puddle! *slurp*"
[end of act]
